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Mystery Man: We've met before, haven't we.
Fred Madison: I don't think so. Where was it you think we met?
Mystery Man: At your house. Don't you remember?
Fred Madison: No. No, I don't. Are you sure?
Mystery Man: Of course. As a matter of fact, I'm there right now.
Fred Madison: What do you mean? You're where right now?
Mystery Man: At your house.
Fred Madison: That's fucking crazy, man.
Mystery Man: Call me. Dial your number. Go ahead.
Mystery Man: I told you I was here.
Fred Madison: How'd you do that?
Mystery Man: Ask me.
Fred Madison: How did you get inside my house?
Mystery Man: You invited me. It is not my custom to go where I am not wanted.
Fred Madison: Who are you?
Mystery Man: Give me back my phone.
Mystery Man: It's been a pleasure talking to you.

Pontius Pilate: So, yaw fatha was a Woman? Who was he? 
Brian: He was a Centurion, in the Jerusalem Garrisons. 
Pontius Pilate: Weally? What was his name? 
Brian: 'Naughtius Maximus'. 
Pontius Pilate: Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison? 
Centurion: Well, no, sir. 
Pontius Pilate: Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked? 
Centurion: Well, no, sir. Umm, I think it's a joke, sir... like, uh, 'Sillius Soddus' or... 'Biggus Dickus', sir. 
Pontius Pilate: What's so funny about "Biggus Dickus? " 
Centurion: Well, it's a joke name, sir. 
Pontius Pilate: I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'. 
Pontius Pilate: Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten         behaviour  like that. 
Brian: Can I go now, sir? 
Brian: Aaah! Eh. 
Pontius Pilate: Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this! 
Pontius Pilate: Wight! Take him away! 
Centurion: Oh, sir, he - he only... 
Pontius Pilate: No, no. I want him fighting wabid, wild animals within a week. 
Centurion: Yes, sir. Come on, you. 
[takes the guard away as continues laughing histerically] 
Pontius Pilate: I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy. - - Anybody else feel like a little...                       giggle... when I mention my fwiend... Biggus... 
Pontius Pilate: ... Dickus? 
Pontius Pilate: What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... 'Biggus'... 
Pontius Pilate: ... Dickus? 
Pontius Pilate: He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? She's called... 'Incontinentia'... Incontinentia                 Buttocks 
Pontius Pilate: Stop! What is all this? 
Pontius Pilate: I've had enough of this wowdy webel sniggewing behaviour. Silence! Call yourselves Pwaetowian                guards? You're not - Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him!

Capt. Spaulding: How much would you charge to run into an open manhole?
Ravelli: Just the cover charge.
Capt. Spaulding: Well, drop in sometime.
Ravelli: Sewer.
Capt. Spaulding: Well, we cleaned that up pretty well.

DREBIN: Hello, Miss Decker.
SALLY: Hello.
DREBIN: I'm Captain Frank Drebin. I understand you've had a pretty rough time.
SALLY: Yeah, it was pretty bad.
DREBIN: Cigarette?
SALLY: Yes, I know.
DREBIN: Well, do you feel up to any questions?
SALLY: I'll try.
DREBIN: Where were you when all of this happened?
SALLY: I was right here at my desk, working.
DREBIN: And when was the first time you noticed something was wrong?
SALLY: Well, when I first heard the shot, and, as I turned, Jim Fell.
HOCKEN: Uhh, he's the teller, Frank.
DREBIN: Jim Fell's the teller?
SALLY: No, Jim Johnson.
DREBIN: Who's Jim Fell?
HOCKEN: He's the auditor, Frank.
SALLY: He had the flu, so Jim filled in.
DREBIN: Phil who?
HOCKEN: Phil Din, he's the night watchman.
SALLY: If only Phil had been here!
DREBIN: Alright, now, wait a minute. Now, let me get this straight. Twice came and shot the teller and Jim Fell.
SALLY: No, he only shot the teller, Jim Johnson. Phil is ill.
DREBIN: Ok, then after he shot the teller, you shot Twice.
SALLY: No, I only shot once.
HOCKEN: Twice is the hold-up man.
SALLY: Then I guess I did shoot Twice.
DREBIN: Well, so now you're changing your story.
SALLY: No, I shot twice after Jim fell.
DREBIN: You shot Twice AND Jim Fell?
SALLY: No, Jim fell first and then I shot Twice once.
DREBIN: Well who fired twice?
SALLY: Once.
HOCKEN: He's the owner of the tire company, Frank.
DREBIN: Ok. Now Once is the owner of the tire company and he fired Twice. Then Twice shot the teller once.
SALLY: Twice.
DREBIN: And Jim fell and then you fired twice.
SALLY: Once.
DREBIN: Ok. Alright. That'll be all for now, Miss Decker.

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