Packal13

My blind girlfriend said my dick was big. ..... But I think she was pulling my leg.

 

What's the difference between an onion and a hooker? ...... I don't cry when I'm cutting up the hooker.

 

What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common? ......They don't fucking listen.

 

What's funnier than a dead baby?  .....A dead baby sitting next to a kid with down syndrome.

 

I added Paul walker on Xbox, but he spends all his time on the dashboard.

 

Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?  ......They keep falling through the holes in his hands.

 

If an illegal immigrant fought a child molester, wouldn't that be considered Alien VS. Predator?

 

What do you call a woman who has lost 95 percent of her intelligence? ....Divorced.

 

The worst part about being a pedophile is trying to fit in.

 

What's the similarities between a jew and a stiff nipple? ....They both disappear after a hot shower.

 

Why can't Americans play chess?.....They're missing the Towers.

 

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?......It only takes one nail to hang a picture

 

What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?.....Isaac Newton died a virgin

 

How many abducted children does it take to change a light bulb?.... Evidently not 14 because my basement is still dark

 

My girlfriend used to give really good blowjobs, but they've gotten worse lately....I guess that's just what happens when they start teething...

 

What do you call a time travel vehicle for special needs people?.....The Retardis

 

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.
-Demetri Martin

 

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?..... The holocaust

 

"I'm pro guns because I enjoy living in a world with only 4 Nirvana albums."

 

Why was the leper hockey game cancelled?...There was a face off in the corner

 

Can orphans eat at a family restaurant?

 

Proč 4leté děti v Africe pláčou?.....Protože maji krizi střední věku.

 

What's the difference between Princess Diana and Princess Diana jokes?...Princess Diana jokes get old.

 

US and Ethiopia national teams played a friendly the other day. The final score was USA 8-Ethiopia didn't.

 

What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? ....Michael Phelps can finish a race.

 

What's the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani elementary school?....I don't know, I just fly the drone!

 

Best part about dating a homeless person?... You can drop them off anywhere.

 

I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki. It's just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot or a Frenchman a Cunt.

 

What does a baby look like after a minute in the microwave?... I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.

 

What do Jewish pedophiles say? ..."Hey kid, want to buy some candy?"

 

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? ...None.

 

What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer? ...I give a fuck when my computer crashes.

 

What's got 5 arms, 3 legs and 2 feet? ....The finish line at the Boston Marathon.

 

How do Ethiopians celebrate their kids first birthday? ...By putting flowers on the grave.

 

How can you tell if your wife is dead? ...The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.

 

So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back. ... Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

 

Girls are like blackjack. .... I'm trying to go for 21 but I always hit on 14.

 

What's 9 inches long, pink, and makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth? ...Her miscarriage.

 

What's the difference between cancer and Black people? ...Cancer got Jobs.

 

________________ JUST SOMETHING_______________

A day without sunshine is like, night.

 

Born free, taxed to death.

 

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.

 

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

 

What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.

 

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? ......A stick.

 

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius

 

When two people kiss, they create a tube with an asshole at each end.

 

Looking to emigrate? Switzerland has a lot of advantages ...... for instance their flag is a big plus.

 

Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.

 

People died and your solution was to send more people.